The ice is breaking, and the numbness is giving way to excruciating pain and an endless flow of tears. The reality that he never really loved me is setting in and I must say, it is a hard pill to swallow. I know unrequited love happens all the time, but I am realizing that the older you get, the harder the impact on your heart. The rational side of me reassures that I will be alright eventually, but it also tells me to be prepared for a very rough patch.
I honestly don’t know how I am going to get through this.
I am considering a psychotherapist, and I did a search to find one near me. Amazingly, there are a number of them, but they are quite pricey (at least for the ones that put their rates on their website). I am not sure I can afford them right now, but I will make some more inquiries to see if I can find one that is affordable.
I met with an old friend yesterday, and it turned out to be an autopsy of a romantic relationship we could have had. I will talk about that part later, but he asked me who my best friend is currently. He was asking in relation to who I confined in, and who takes on the place of the strongest emotional support I have.
Foa has been my best friend in the last 1 year. He has been my confidant, the one I rant to about my day, the one I turn to for advice, the one I laugh with and when I need company, he was the one I reached out to. Then it hit me, I have not only walked away from someone I am in love with, I have also lost my best friend. It took everything in me not to burst into tears in the presence of my date. I felt as though my heart was being shredded into bits. Luckily, my date shifted the conversation in a different direction and that helped me regain some composure.
I left the meeting questioning my decision to walk away, was it the right thing to do? Was I being rash about that decision? Could there have been another way to go about it such that all is not lost? I remembered the early stages of my relationship with Foa and the interesting discoveries I made about myself. I remember the person I was with him, the laughter, the witty banter, the intelligent conversations and the openness.
I missed it terribly.
Getting home to a very quiet apartment did nothing to distract me from my already tumultuous frame of mind. When watching my favorite series did not help, I decided to think things through. Reaching out to Foa will not help in anyway. Nothing has changed. He is not available and that friendship I crave does not exist in isolation of what I feel for him.
Sadly, it is all or nothing.
The only way out of this pain is through it. So, I said a little prayer and went to bed believing that in the end, everything will be alright.