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Letter to M

Letter to M

Park bench

Dear M,

This letter is long overdue, so I am writing it especially since you have been crossing my mind a lot lately. I know why, and I will get to that part in a bit. But first, how are you and that beautiful wife of yours? I hear you have a little boy now. I can just imagine how adorable he must look! Your great hair, the mixture of your wife’s cream and your chocolate on his skin, those strong facial features of yours and that beautiful smile of your wife’s. That will make one perfect little boy. Lol. Enough of that…I will get right to it.

M, I know it’s taken me this long to say this, but you were right. The combination of you and I at that time in our lives would have led us both into a life that we would have been utterly dissatisfied with. While we were both so similar in so many ways, our experiences up until that point had been very different. We still had some exploring to do and all in different directions. If we had stayed together, I am sure both of us would have felt stuck. So, thank you for not yielding to my desire to try to salvage what we lost. Thank you for chasing your dreams and leaving me to chase mine. Thank you for all the lessons and for the growth your exit allowed me to experience.

Long before the romance, we had something – a very strong connection that I hadn’t shared with anyone else. It was only natural that I would equate that with love and extend it to some kind of commitment, but life has taught me that it does not have to be. It is possible to connect with someone and it would have been destined to be something completely platonic. A friendship that would last a lifetime, in and out of other romantic affairs. I wish I knew that then, maybe I would have been sitting on a park bench with you, sharing my deepest thoughts and not feel exposed in anyway. Maybe you would have been the one person I could be vulnerable with without any inhibitions or fear of been taken advantage of. Maybe, you would have been the one person I can completely trust. But that can’t happen; we are far apart, in distance, time and heart, so I will have to made do with this letter.

So M, I fell in love…again. I had given up on the possibility. I had met amazing men and was slowly warming up to the idea of approaching marriage from a very logical perspective. I mean, choosing a great guy who wants a life similar to what I want, and then we go sign a contract that clearly spells out our roles and responsibilities, sounds like a good plan. Then he shows up, and all my plan went out the window. But it is complicated and after living in a bubble for months, I woke up to the reality that I must walk away. That is the only logical solution and will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But I must.

This is why you have been crossing my mind lately.

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I miss the definition of what we had, and I am desperately in need of someone I can be vulnerable with. You used to be that person and knowing that you can’t be that person for me just when I need one confronts me with a double jeopardy. It also makes me feel the pain twice as much.

So, I am closing my eyes and pretending to be sitting on that park bench with you, spilling my guts. Hopefully, someday soon, I will be able to write about the conversation we just had, in my imagination. About the man I am in love with. About why its not working out. About why I haven’t been writing you these letters. About why we both have been silent. About what marriage and fatherhood have been for you. About how I have been faring with leadership. About what my aspirations are and what I am doing about them. About career and feminism. About what the heck you are doing with a nine-to-five job. About why you have abandoned RAP.

In my head, we talked, and talked and talked. And time stood still.

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