I started at the ceiling as I laid flat on my back on the floor of my office. I do this whenever I needed to relax at work. Everywhere was quiet, my colleagues had gone home, the only sound I could hear was the humming from a nearby generator and occasional sounds from cars passing by.
It’s Valentine’s day.
My preference was to be curled on my beanbag in my cozy apartment watching TV, but Google maps has warned that leaving the office now would mean spending 65mins in traffic for a trip that should not be more than 23 minutes. It was only wise that I wait for this valentine traffic rush to abate before setting out. Besides, its not like the quietness of my apartment is any different from the quietness in my office.
So I decided to make this entry.
Today has not been the Valentine’s day of any girls dream, it rather has been a day filled with a roller-coaster of emotions. The past, the present and a possibility all decided to make an entry into my day. Needless to say, the outcome was all disappointing.
I started my day reading a chat from MD teasing me about a photo I have on my WhatsApp status and asking what I have for him for Valentine. It wasn’t the first time he has asked me for a gift and I remembered a promise I made to make good on my omission to deliver a gift for his last birthday while we were together. I felt I owed him a gift today as a compensation for all the times I did not give him one when I should have. It was on that trail of thought that I realized that I had completely missed MD’s love language while we were together. In retrospect, I can see that he is really big on gift giving which made my relationship with him one of the few where I received lots of gifts. They say most people express love to others the way they prefer it to be expressed to them. It’s called Love Language. But we aren’t in the same city and arranging for a gift the morning of Valentine is a task I am not prepared for. So I told him it was late to do that. My response hurt him and I found out later in the day. I noticed he was ignoring subsequent chats from me and so I called him. We talked. The only thing I took out of our conversation was how different we are and how little we understood about each other. It was both disappointing and illuminating. I cant recall how the conversation ended but I became more aware that understanding the science of love languages and practicing them is vital to building happy relationships.
I woke up this morning more resolute in my mind that I was going to move on from AF. I was angrier than I was yesterday and more determined to use that anger as a spring board towards a life that was not emotionally dependent on him. The thought of how constantly he places me second to every other thing in his life and his lack of sensitivity to my needs and feelings only welled up disgust at my own stupidity. I mean, how could I have let him treat me this way for the last 12 months? When did I get so gullible? I recalled my last message to him and gave myself a thumbs up. I told him we don’t need to conclude the conversation we were having as I don’t see the need. He had called me to ask what was responsible for my coldness and while in the middle of bearing my heart out, he cuts in asking him to let him call me back as he needed to take a call from his Uncle. This has been trend and it drives me up the wall! I have tried talking to him about this but he seemed completely ignorant about what it does to me. If the trend was anything to go by, I wasnt expecting him to call me back anytime soon. After waiting one hour, I sent him a message that I was going to bed (it was late) and that I dont think we needed to discuss the matter. It’s not a big announcement, but a good sign that I am headed towards self respect and that independence from him. So imagine my surprise when I got to the office to see a Valentine cake from him. It took a lot of mental admonishing not to be sucked back into that emotional state where I crave any more connection with him. I reminded my self that he could have as well sent this cake to other people , and that it was not a symbol of commitment or love as far as his is concerned. It was hard, but I put on my logical cap and kept it on through out the day which made me a little grumpy. But the cake earned me some attention, one I enjoyed through out the day. For that, I am grateful.
Ralph works for one of my company’s clients and our conversation took a personal turn just about a week ago. The closer we got, the more I can’t see myself committing to him. First he cancelled what was going to be our first date without a clear explanation. All he said was that something came up and he waited till the last minute before saying so, making me wait more than 90mins. Talk about first impression! In an attempt to schedule a second first date, he was going to invite himself to my house! Why does that sound like a booty call? I mean, who invites himself to a lady’s house for a first date? I declined and we agreed to meet at a KFC. That date would have been perfect if he wasn’t overtly trying to get too physically close or being to quick to express emotional commitment. I mean, this things should come naturally, it becomes awkward when it is forced. Then I asked what’s up with his girlfriend to which he responds “she is in Abuja” in such a manner that belittles the role of that information in the grand scheme of things. I mean, if you have a girlfriend, then what the heck are you doing here with me, here and now, saying all these stuff? He proceeded to tell me how things were not working out and that there are complications. I told him I can’t have conversations around romance with him when he has a girlfriend. Anyways, today I had to reinforce that by asking him to stop professing his feelings for me. I don’t need that. Shutting him down was easy. No emotions were involved at least from my end. Then he started to sulk! Gosh, sulking does not look good on men…especially those who have no iota of feelings for.
Interesting Valentine’s day, right?
Anyways, I am ending it with an early night. It’s going to be a busy weekend so I can as well get extra sleep. I am also reminding myself to remain strong in my resolve about AF. The present must give way to better possibilities and I don’t mean Ralph.
Image Credit: ID 84661683 © Kolotype | Dreamstime.com