The mind is a powerful tool that can cause good to happen and at the same time, mess up the whole universe.
A lot of times, we use our minds against ourselves simply because we don’t discipline ourselves to think only empowering thoughts.
Why should I be suspicious of my partner? Ok. Let’s even assume that some smoke is escaping from the pot indicating that some fire of infidelity or secrecy is burning. What about that? Why must I suspect that it’s what I think it is?
Why can’t I choose to enjoy myself in peace till the cat can no longer stay in the bag? Why would I waste my energy suspecting my partner thereby subjecting myself and even my relationship to hell?
Ok. Enough of the questions. Let me allow you to feel the pain I felt when I read a story. This is it, please read.
The Cankerworm of Suspicion
That was how I spent my first three years of marriage, binding and casting. Every time I woke up to pray at night, I saw different pictures. I even got tagged a seer, for these my mind’s eye could see.
So that night as I prayed, I saw in a vision that my husband was the cause of our shortcomings, that he was responsible for our childless state. It resonated well with me because a while before then, I had heard the story of a man who used his wife’s womb for rituals and how she had never seen him as one capable of hurting a fly.
In the morning, I confronted Hendi, and he asked me what I had smoked. He was so pissed he simply walked out on me, I followed him and let the madness in me loose, as I raised my voice in insults at him, bragging about how my visions were never wrong and how I had my fifteen-year-old daughter to prove that my womb was once intact.
That got to him. He quietly picked up his keys on the refrigerator and drove off. I bade him farewell with more words seasoned with anger.
He came back home that night. I started with him again, though calmly, pleading with him to tell me the truth. He asked to know what I intended to do with the truth, I didn’t have an answer. Then he told me he had no other truth for me but the life of transparency and love he had daily given to me. Oh, how I doubted him. That voice in my mind kept telling me to beware of extremely nice men.
A week later, Hendi comes back home with a job, the employment letter in his hands confirms it. Handing it over to me, he had said: ”Expect more, I will be fully vindicated.”
Then the next day, as I searched our closet for anything to give Hendi away, I stumbled on my sanitary towel, then I remembered. I realized I had missed my period. I was too busy looking for ways to prove my vision right that I hadn’t noticed it. I had never looked for this thing since I got married. Hurriedly I went for a test and truly I had conceived. I couldn’t tell Hendi for days. I was ashamed to think that I was already pregnant when I saw that pseudo vision. I wondered who was more pseudo, I or the vision?
When I eventually told Hendi, he took in the news indifferently and had the same words for me, “Expect more, I will be fully vindicated,” and he was because from then onwards, it was from one breakthrough to the other for him, as our love went from one break down to the other. Hendi lived with me passionlessly, despite all my plea for pardon. The birth of our son brought back a sparkle into our lives, but it is still not as it used to be. We know something is amiss.
Now I spend my time praying for a recur of Hendi’s passion for me. I don’t doubt that he loves me, but I know a part of him is still locked in pain. I pray the birth of my second son will come with divine help for us.
Do I still see them visions? No. I lost interest.