A designation given to identify a male human of any known ethnicity whose speciality is in breaking the
hearts of hapless women.
There comes a day in the life of every die-hard bachelor. A day when his life flashes before his eyes like a man standing frozen in the tracks of a freight train, and he realizes that he’s ‘not getting any younger’. His family also begins to mount the pressure, and random strangers from the office party start to send unsolicited regards to his ‘madam and the children’. Around that time, he starts to hear that those women who he always assumed would remain wrapped around his little finger, have unravelled themselves. Chioma releases her pre-wedding photos, Nancy just got engaged, and while he’s thinking of texting Biodun to see if they can hook up, he happens to scroll past a gazillion photos of her honeymoon
in Cape Verde. Damn.
You must understand that for Yoruba Demons, this rushed feeling is strange and highly unwelcome. All of his life, society and even biology have taught him to think that he has got all the time in the world, so he dillied and dallied. But now, he’s realizing that he wants love and marriage and that he has to act really fast before all the good ones get snatched up.
So, here’s how to know when a Yoruba Demon is evaluating you for marriage. (Run, sisters, run!).
1. Out of the blue, he reestablishes contact and asks about your relationship status.
You: So, I had chicken and chips for lunch today
Him: Does your boyfriend know you’re eating unhealthy food?
2. When he subtly asks about your blood genotype.
Him: So I was watching this movie ehn, and the chick died because no one knew her genotype. Do you
You: Yeah sure, it’s AS.
3. He tries to find out how compatible you both are.
Him: Have you eaten?
You: Yeah! I just had this really amazing bitter leaf soup from Calabar Kitchen…
Him: This one that you’re always buying food, I hope you can cook oo.
4. You know it’s really serious when he already sees you growing old together and wants to know how you’ll look in 30 years.
Him: So whatchu been up to all weekend?
You: I’ve been quite busy helping my mom move into a new apartment…
Him: Oh, that’s nice. Is your mom fat?
5. Then he’s wondering how you plan to manage a family with that demanding job of yours.
Him: Hey, can we hang out this weekend?
You: I’m so sorry, something came up and I’ll have to be at work all through the weekend
Him: Hmmm… I wonder how you’ll cope when you have a husband and kids oo. Have you ever thought
of becoming a full-time housewife?
To be fair, some of these questions can come up in a healthy relationship, just not quite like this. Still, I
just couldn’t resist taking this dig. ☺